Back to home page
Link to other pages
201. To get laughs, limericks must be bawdy,
and have people do things that are pretty damn naughty.
But naughty is something you and I no longer do,
and we haven't for — what is it? — a decade or two?
Because we're always so damn busy having to get up to go potty.
202. If I let my insides hang out,
you'd really see what I'm all about.
You could see my fatty liver and my leaky bladder,
my beaten heart, and my dying gray matter,
and my disfigured and sooty soul — no doubt!
203. Once, I believed it all ─
Adam and Eve, the snake, and the fall.
But then I got a little bit older,
and my thinking became just a little bit bolder,
and I thought my way out of all ─ this fictitious falderal.
204. After then,
it was the beginning of when.
And if you coulda seen
what that did mean,
you'd never wanna see it again.
205. When God orchestrated that late goal for Japan,
it broke the heart of every American soccer fan.
Somehow, it just doesn’t seem fair
that God heard every Japanese prayer,
but ignored prayers from every American child, woman, and man.
206. The young girl told a young boy trying to be funny,
"This is the last time I’m telling ya, sonny!
If you hit me again with that stick,
I'm gonna rip off your scrawny, little dick,
and feed it, skin and bone, to the Easter bunny!
207. Why are you so whiny?
Just because you're tiny?
What if you were big?
Would you squeal like a pig,
wiggling in your stinky sty-ny?
208. Mister Death limericks
a. I came to this hospice to die.
I see Mister Death standing by.
He's consulting a note.
I thought he did everything by rote.
What’s with that quizzical look in his eye?
b. When Mister Death had me firmly in his grip,
I pleaded, "Sir, can we please make this a round trip?"
He said, "I'm sorry to say,
this trip is only one way.
But we do serve drinks ─ and chicken wings ─ with a delectable ranch dip."
c. When it got to be close to seven,
we were still a half-light year away from heaven.
I said, "Mister Death, one question more.
When will we get to heaven's door?"
"Oh, not till tomorrow morning, Sir, about a quarter past eleven.
d. I always said I wasn't afraid of death,
till one night, he tried to rob me of my breath.
And as I was gasping for air,
he said with a cold, penetrating stare,
"Next time they ask if you're afraid of death,
just say 'Yesth.'"
209. Because of very hot weather,
the news advises couples not to sleep together.
The rubbing of very dry feet
on an extremely combustible bed sheet
might make for a fiery coming together.
210. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,
she asked me out to go have a strawberry margarita.
But after a short conversation and just one drink,
she said, “I don’t really like the way think.”
So, I said, “Okay. Buenas noches, mi amiga.”
211. Whenever it rains real hard, I pray,
that on our walk, my dog will poo without any delay.
But he seldom does,
because this old cuss
usually waits to poo till we’re exactly halfway.
212. One gift I did give her
is that I didn't outlive her.
And so she could use that entire fortune of mine
and take out all of her lovers to dine
on my heart and my soul and my liver.
213. Today, I tried to do a very good deed.
I made sure a non-singing bird in a cage got freed.
But as the bird, in all his eagerness, flew away,
he crashed ─ slam-bang ─ into a tall stack of hay,
and I'm still not sure if the bird is okay.
214. This is a poem about a he and a she,
and I'll try hard not to make it about me.
But there is half a chance,
that if they take off their pants —
I might poke my head back in — just to see.
215. I taught my kids it's against the law
to try to eat a pink earthworm raw.
Because, as it hits your throat, it'll start to wiggle
and then you'll start to uncontrollably giggle,
like a crazy chihuahua from Panama.
216. When you spread your lips, and I looked inside,
there was something you just couldn't hide.
Your tongue was split,
and there was a drop of poison on it,
and if I hadn't been so careful, I could've died.
217. How far from earth are heaven and hell?
And which way do you go to get there, pray tell?
Did God create a GPS for the soul,
in which little devils or angels have been given the role
to escort you to the place where for eternity you'll dwell?
218. On Last Judgment Day,
when the Lord pointed for me to go the other way,
I caught the look in your eye ─
a look that said, "Oh, dear God why?
Why are you gonna make me suffer so greatly today?"
219. In a laundromat, I saw someone who obviously didn’t want to be seen,
furtively fidgeting next to a giant washing machine.
I saw him stomp out a cigarette,
then, crawl in and get himself all wet.
But when he crawled out, he wasn’t anywheres near clean.
220. I'd say the heart you got
is definitely worth a lot,
and I'd like to purchase it with a million kisses.
Now, if you say, "Okay,"
you gotta promise me today,
you'll forever and always agree to be my Misses.
221. A problem assigned to me to be solved
turned out to be not all that involved —
find the square root of a few times the many.
After I'd worked at it a bit,
and subtracted the uncertainty principle from it,
I realized right away that the answer was — there couldn't be any.
222. My lot in eternity is to forever gather dust.
And I agree that, for the way I lived my life, that's probably just.
But I'd hoped for a task
were at least part of the ask
would've been to do something fruitful with the excess of my lust.
223. Three times a day, my dog and I
go for a walk under God's gray-blue sky.
And when we see any injustice
that totally disgusts us,
we both give it a disapproving eye.
224. She would never give her accord
to my request for a smorgasbord.
She said, "At my age and condition? —
it's solely the missionary position.
And screw you if you're not completely on board."
225. I was very young when I started with sin.
I made it very easy for the devil to slip in.
It was pretty much by special invitation,
I was so addicted to that indescribable sensation.
And I can still vividly recall the devil's gratified grin.
226. On earth, we see that the wicked always do well.
So, out of a sense of justice, we hope the wicked will get theirs in hell.
But the more research we do,
we come to find out that’s not even close to being true.
Look at Scarface cavorting there in heaven ─ with that hot mademoiselle!
227. The impatient lad was very astute,
and besides that, a real smart-ass to boot.
He said to the headmaster,
"This debate would probably go a lot faster,
if you didn't harp on every point that was moot."
228. I'd love to shoot my rocket up to your moon.
Please consider this my trial balloon.
I'd like to beg for your permission,
and get your okay for my lunar expedition.
Lift off for me couldn't come any too soon.
229. She unexpectedly grabbed me by the crotch
and asked, "Mind if I touch?”
I said, "Not if you do it with great care,
and avoid pulling any of my hair,
cuz ─ I wouldn’t like that very much!
230. I saw a bull fight a man.
I saw his horns rip open his can.
And as the man was in a world of hurt,
with the blood continuing to squirt,
I heard the bull yell ─ "Now do you fucking understand?"
231. A thousand nights and one,
and then the Gordian knot was fully undone.
Not sure if it was the priest or the nun.
But one of them said, "Glad it's finally done."
And the other, "Are we obligated to tell anyone?"
232. With my students, I discussed the other day,
the famous line "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."
Then after the prayer, with which our school day closes,
I heard the headmaster ask, "Anyone know what happened to my roses?"
And giggling to myself, I thought, "No fucking way!"
233. When by pure luck, I caught sight of Alice's hole,
I felt an overwhelming joy envelop my soul.
With little fear of harm or peril,
I could now crawl into the tale of Lewis Carroll,
and be an eyewitness to this fantastical rigamarole.
234. In Spring, what could be more awesome
than this gorgeous, pink and white cherry blossom?
Except perhaps the face of my dear, sweet Neith,
who, I think, might've had a set of perfectly straight teeth,
if, as a kid, she'd only taken a little more time to floss 'em.
235. When the young novice laid eyes on the new monk,
she thought to herself, "Wow! What an incredible hunk!"
Then it hit her that Jesus, in fact,
had said the thought is as bad as the act.
"Um," she thunk, "I always felt that that idea was totally bunk."
236. My neighborhood has a small pet farm,
where yesterday, they had a five-pet alarm.
Apparently, the duck, the bunny, and the cock
talked the pig and the pony into picking the lock,
so they could all go dine in the garden of our favorite schoolmarm.
237. That yellow line in the middle of the road
turned out to be the end of the line for what appears to be a rather big toad.
The toad probably had no idea when it was hopping,
that that 5-ton semi-truck had zero intention of stopping,
till perhaps a few seconds before it was destined to explode.
238. I wrote this poem for you, it's true,
as thanks for you cooking me that scrumptious beef stew.
Yes, I know the two aren't really equal,
but if sometime next week, we could do a sequel,
I might fall even deeper in love with you.
239. I am the neighborhood aquarium man.
I take care of people's fishes the best that I can.
And I'm always sorry when I see another one die,
even though, deep down, I fully understand the reason why ─
it's all part of God'sichthyological planinscrutably fishy plan.
240. I never even knew what it was
when I got hit in the head by a big bag of fuzz.
And this is the first thing the doctor said,
when I woke up in the hospital bed:
"At least now we know what getting hit in the head by a big bag of fuzz does."
241. Every idiot knows that Transylvania
is located in the country of Romania!
So why did you say,
live on Jeopardy yesterday,
"Mr Trebek, 'What is Albania?"
242. I think I'm headed straight for damnation.
I can't figure out this goddam equation!
What's heaven plus thirty-seven
divided by the square root of hell minus eleven?
Please help me find the answer and be my salvation!
243. She said, "You know what, honey?
Your verses ain't all that funny."
I said, "If you ask me,
I tend to agree.
So, what do want? The leg or the thigh of this bunny?"
244. Ladies and gentlemen of wealth and riches,
and also you, you poor sons of bitches —
mark well what I say,
and prepare for the day,
when God will finally have worked out all of the glitches.
245. No, my poems aren't meant to save ─
they're meant to teach people the right way to misbehave ─
to grab life by the balls,
till it squirts waterfalls
and make people feel reborn ─ from now till the grave.
246. I'm just sitting here tonight, waiting for death,
not in a morose way, just somewhat philosophical, I guess.
One day, the day will come,
and then I'll gladly go back to where I came from —
freed from the pain of failure — freed from the need for success.
247. No, all of reality is not made up of just one big algorithm.
Those who think it is, are looking through a faulty prism.
If you ask me,
It’s got to be at least more than three.
Anything less, and you couldn’t create this entire universe with 'em.
248. What I do just about every Sunday
is wish that the next day weren't Monday.
And if my wish were to ever come true,
I'd have to change my point of view
from never — to perhaps you'll come back to me some day.
249. During a game of strip poker
she whispered to the guy surreptitiously trying to poke her,
“The rules of the game are such,
you can look, but you can't touch! —
unless you wanna discreetly slip me that there joker.”
250. She said, "Lo, and behold! Your heart is so cold!"
I said, "On the whole, it’s not nearly as cold as my soul.
But no biggy, since in my life, neither plays a very big role.”
Jump to other verse pages
Verses 51-100 Verses 101-150 Verses 151-200
Verses 201-250 Verses 251-300 Verses 301-350
Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
Verses 501-550 Verses 551-600 Verses 601-end
Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com