Back to home page
Link to other pages
151. You’re way too young to be a neanderthal.
And for a homo erectus, you’re just a little too tall.
So, judging from the size of your head,
I think it can probably safely be said ─
you’re one of the smartest monkeys of ‘em all.
151. I coulda written that song, “Purple Rain.”
It didn’t take that big of a brain.
And I coulda written that song “Hotel California.”
But girl ─ I do wanna warn ya!
I’ve always been considered at least halfway insane.
153. The tattoos all over the body of that young lady —
what will they look like when she’s seventy or eighty?
I’m afraid the ass of that sweet young lass
smelling flowers above her reclining lover in the grass
will slowly start to squat down on his bearded face, alas!
154. The Lord said to <governor of a state, i.e., Ron DeSantis>, “Today, I’m in great haste.
I’m gonna lay the state of <state name, i.e., Florida> to waste.
From church steeple to church steeple,
in the state of <state name, i.e., Florida>, I can’t find even ten righteous people.
So, of my anger, I’m gonna give all <residents of state, i.e., Floridians> a taste.
155. It’s a perfect day for bananafish.*
But I know ─ it’s not your favorite dish.
So, I can make you a plate
of deepfried orangeprimate,
and an appleoyster salad if you wish.
* Play on J.D Salinger story title
156. Remember that time
we found a dime
and bought two ice cream cones at Thrifty?
That may very well be
the only time you and me
shared anything fifty-fifty.
157. My dog can act awfully bizarre,
like a clown with an exploding cigar.
Of a sudden, he can dart all around,
flip on his back, roll on the ground,
and then look at you with a face that says, “Hardy-har-har.”
158. The counters of the Lord limericks / verses
a. Just today, the counters of the Lord recorded 3.6 billion masturbations,
half a billion extra-marital affairs, and 2.3 billion pre-marital fornications.
Documenting world-wide illicit sex had them so busy
that the counters of the Lord were literally thrown into a tizzy,
and forgot to notate more than half of 1.4 billion men-on-men ejaculations.
b. Today, the counters of the Lord were at it again,
with one group keeping tabs on women, and the other on men.
And today, more women were seen engaging in a sexual transgressions
than men, from any walks of life or from any professions,
leaving the counters of the Lord scratching their heads every now and then.
159. If I lived in your shoe,
I’d know exactly what to do.
I’d kiss your sweet toes,
bedeck them with pretty, pinks bows,
and paint three of them green, and two of them blue.
160. My dog is such a geek.
He can bark in both Arabic and Greek.
He’s expert in canine mathematics,
can discuss dog-fight aerodynamics,
and is fluent in bow-wow doublespeak.
161. See here? ─ you do see a little rot.
But over there? ─ definitely not.
So, whoever said you were totally rotten,
doubtlessly, has brains of cotton ─
because totally rotten? ─ you’re certainly not.
162. If I hadn’t turned left at that street,
then right at that cul-de-sac after a few hundred feet,
my dog and I wouldn’t’ve been there
when that surly she-bear
was searching for something edible to eat.
163. Angel limericks / verses
a. Through pink, wispy clouds in a gray-blue sky,
I thought I saw an angel passionately wave “Hi!”
And at the moment of seeing
that enchanting ethereal being,
I regained real hope that better days would be nigh.
b. I saw a pocket-sized angel do a triple pirouette
on a silvery pin with a tiny little head.
And as I exclaimed, being totally impressed,
“Little Angel, you’re the absolute best,”
she replied, “No biggy.
For an angel ─ anything is as easily done ─as it is said.
164. I’m the least in heaven, but I’m greater than that baptizer, John.
At least that’s what Jesus said, and He knows what’s going on.
Even in my lowly spot in heaven, I’m enjoying the afterlife,
even though I’m here alone without the kids and without the wife.
But hey ─ that’s the afterlife.
165. You didn’t stop at the stop,
you didn’t yield at the yield.
And that’s how I ended up with my goddamn face
in this fucking cow pie in Farmer John’s cattle field.
166. Perchance, have you seen Mr. LaDoux?
He’s easy to recognize with his hair of straw blue,
and his nose a red ball,
and all dressed in a denim overall,
perhaps soiled with a bird dropping or two.
167. These days, she often forgets
the many sorrows and the many regrets
in which I played an outsized part
by more than once breaking her precious heart.
As the party band plays while the sun sets,
I ask her, “Do you wanna dance?"
She smiles and whispers, "Sure ─ let's."
168. My dog knows what he should and what he shouldn't.
My dog knows what he can and what he can't.
But that doesn't mean he'll always remember ─
no ─ remember it always? ─ he certainly shan't.
169. Here’s a quick note for when you return from Damascus,
so that you'll know without any doubt precisely what my ask is.
Please hurry on over to me,
because I’m just dying to see,
if you're still adept at making love ─ or if you're all out of practice.
170. My dog's not so good in an off-leash park.
He always tries to hump the young lassies and won't stop when they bark.
And then the owners, all the while,
glare at me, as if I've unleased some degenerate pedophile.
So I have to go corral him and say to the little Romeo guy,
"No, no, no, no, no! You don’t get to kiss each one of 'em good-bye!"
171. When the walls fell down around Jericho,
where were all the terrified Jerichoans to go?
To the trumpets’ celestial sound,
the Israelites made Jericho a killing ground,
as heaven looked on and cheered every bloody deathblow!
172. Oh, you ─ sitting there in your silvery gray Celica,
looking more angelic than all the angels in St Peter's Basilica.
Let's go do something wild ─
like ─ let's gomake a childget our DNA compiled.
As she drove out of the CSUN parking lot, she slyly smiled.
173. I was once taught by a PE teacher from Lille,
an ill-humored lady who knew exactly how to make me feel
like the sweaty, old rag
she stuffed in her scuffed-up gym bag
on top her smelly sneakers and her butt plug of steel.
174. Rub a dub dub ─
mommy and baby splashing in the tub,
with a dolliBu dolphin, and a handful of bubble guppies,
three happy sea lions, and four, dark spotted seal puppies,
and two rainbow seahorsies: one named Gitty, and the other one Yup.
175. Some things I just don't want to think about,
like that closet and the coming out.
Cuz I'm not even gay ─
at least not all the way,
and even if ─ it might still wash out.
176. Did you see the murder of crows? ─
dozens of them lying in silent repose.
They don't appear to be shot.
So, it must've been poison or ─ whatnot.
Anyway ─ a lot of food for thought.
177. When I first told you I loved you that summer’s day,
your response coulda gone either way.
You coulda said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same,"
and I coulda slunk back into the "just-friends" state from which I just came.
But thankfully you said, "Oh, my God, really? Oh, yeah!"
178. In the Valley of Dry Bones,
there are currently no erogenous zones.
But it is expected
the bones will soon again be resurrected
into an army of clones
ready to fight with a new set of raging of hormones.
179. How do you locate your loved ones once you get to the hereafter?
Does an angel come help you find them among the billions of happy souls engaged in pleasure and loud laughter?
I'm a little anxious about how to find them when I arrive.
It could be more complicated than trying to find them when they were still alive.
And depending on where in heaven they are, it may be a 20- or a 30-year drive.
180. Most of our wedded life, my wife and I have slept alone.
That’s because each of us snores like a contrabass saxophone.
And due to that nocturnal, cacophonous duet,
sleeping together has been impossible, much to our regret.
But once a week, we do put on our perfume and our cologne,
then crawl into one bed for a quick, hands-on session of two-part hambone.
181. If you get to fiddle with my middle,
then I get to fiddle with your end.
And if you can't agree to that from the very beginning,
well, then you, my dear, cannot be my bosom friend.
182. I got to talking to an Egyptian woman at a Cairo bazaar,
who teased she’d never been "really, realy bad!" ─ at least not thus far.
I said, "But by us in the West,
we like women the best
who do say, 'Yes' to an occasional cigar.”
“Yes.”
183. When I saw her eyes were burnt sienna
and her lips were purple plaid,
when she said she wasn't be my kid’s teacher,
boy, was I ever sad."
184. I’m sure I have everything right with God.
He’s always known that I'm a slightly nutty clod.
So, when He'll say, "It's time. Come on up,"
no devil's protest is gonna get Him to stop,
just cuz I was a little bit defective, a little bit flawed.
185. Welcome friends
to the time your life ends.
I do appreciate
that none of you is late.
So, you're all still eligible for each of the after-life dividends.
186. If you find your happiness slipping away
trying to survive another unendurable day,
try screaming at the gods
for being the frauds
who promised you everything would be okay.
187. I’m the kind who’d never hurt a flea ─
unless, of course, the flea first hurt me.
And then I’d gather up all my wit
and catch and kill the fucking, little shit ─
and never even feel a bit sorry for it.
188. When the priest proclaimed I was a sinner,
I said, “Yeah, but at least I’m only a beginner!”
Which made some people laugh,
but not the other half,
who almost choked on their bread-and-wine dinner.
189. When the teacher said, "Come to my desk when I call your name,"
she seemed confused and very annoyed when I stood up and came.
She said, "I didn't mean you!"
I said, "But my name is Charu."
She said, "But for that, you only have your parents to blame."
190. People who can't afford the basics that they need
are among the most hopeless people in the world, indeed.
So please! Give them a hand...
(Sound of people clapping)
191. No one but I knows this.
I have to take a super urgent piss.
Good ─ here’s some brush ─ and a clump of trees.
Here’s to hoping nobody sees.
Pop, pop ─ fiz, fiz ─ oh what a relief this is!
192. By and large,
I was the favorite beau of Marge.
She had plenty of other lovers
who spent time with her under the covers,
but only I ─ got to do it free of charge.
193. Alli was a pint-size, yellow frog,
perhaps the prettiest frog in all the bog,
with an orange-marmalade belly,
and four, webbed feet like blueberry jelly,
and two, bulbous eyes ─ the color of classic eggnog.
194. When God had the land vomit us out,
I yelled, "What the hell is this all about?"
If You'd wanted us to go,
couldn't You just have said so?
Jesus Christ! For crying out loud!
195. The older I get, the more I forget my colors.
would you call this paint amber, burnt ochre, or clay?
Would it were the same with all of my dolors,
but my age hasn’t washed any of my dolors away.
196. On our block, the biggest mother fletcher
was this bully of a girl named Bonnie Etcher.
And you know how we stopped her from bullying us once and for all?
We threw the bitch this bouncy red ball,
and then told our new pit bull to go fetch her.
197. This year's not been one of the best.
God decided to be a real pest.
He caused the dog to die,
and then the wife to say goodbye,
and afterwards He joked it was all done in jest.
198. In my youth, I never whistled at an attractive passing woman.
In my youth, I never insulted any lady with a raunchy catcall.
But I’m sure that the gist of what I must’ve been thinking
could’ve made a city like Sodom or Gomorrah fall.
199. Old man’s dirge
Every part of my body hurts,
every part of my body.
Every part of my body squirts.
every part of my body.
Every part of my body shakes,
every part of my body.
Every part of my body aches,
every part of my body.
Every part of my body’s shot,
every part of my body.
In every part of my body there’s rot,
in every part of my body.
Every part of my body’s stiff,
every part of my body.
Every pa… Oops! That last part’s not totally true anymore.
200. Even if I’d had a head a' hair like Jesus,
and a face and a smile to match.
Still, for these here ladies,
I wouldn’t’ve seemed that great of a catch.
Jump to other verse pages
Verses 51-100 Verses 101-150 Verses 151-200
Verses 201-250 Verses 251-300 Verses 301-350
Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
Verses 501-550 Verses 551-600 Verses 601-end
Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com