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351. When I think back on all of the times
I've ruthlessly butchered some innocent rhymes,
I feel like going out and buying a gun,
and eliminating each and everyone
who was an eyewitness to my despicable limerick crimes.
352. As another second ticks off the clock,
who knows what’s coming around the block.
Will today continue to be okay?
Or is something shocking coming your way?
Brace yourself, in case it's a shock. Tick tock.
353. What if the earth were to unexpectedly run into a brick wall,
speeding through the universe one dark night in the middle of Fall?
Can you imagine the sounds of death, destruction, and annihilation,
as Christchurch, New Zealand, crashes into the Atlanta Metro bus station?
I don’t think that would be any fun at all!
354. My zip code is the zip code of sin.
We only let the worst of the worst perverts move in.
So if you're real pious,
move to the zip code nearby us,
where they always need more angels
to dance on the head of a pin.
355. The only way to try to prevent something awful from coming your way,
like a deadly automobile accident, or terminal cancer, let’s say,
or losing a child or a beloved spouse,
or having an airplane crash-land on top of your house,
is to pray.
356. We were staying at a Boston inn in 1773,
just good ol’ George Washington and me.
He said, "I'm not telling you to lie,
but if Martha comes by,
tell her you have no idea where I could be."
357. When the princess kissed the frog on its lips,
she felt her heart do three double skips.
And then she fell to the floor,
dead as a nail in a door.
Yep, that's how they fall sometimes ─ these chips.
358. What I’ve seen
of Josephine
is her donut holes
and her jelly roles
and her everything in between.
359. At the funeral of a crow,
there were lots of people I got to know:
of course, the widow,
and the parents and children of the dearly departed, Mr Siddo,
and then all of his friends, somberly crowing from every last row.
360. Land of Oz limericks/verses
a. I too have been to the land of Oz,
where nothing is that never was,
where everything is never
no one's only sole endeavor,
and whatever is ─ is never just because.
b. When I arrived in the land of Oz,
I met a guy who claimed he wasn't who he was.
And neither was he who he'd been,
so, it was very confusing when he did begin
to explain why he thought I was his next of kin.
c. There’s a fantastical vet in the land of Oz,
who figured out how to wrap an invisible dog in see-through gauze.
So now that her pooch can be seen,
good ol' Mrs. Seraphine,
can finally trim its hair and the nails on its paws.
d. She claimed she spent the night with the Wizard of Oz,
who graciously invited her to partake of his noz.
But she said, “Oh, Mr. Oz!
I can't do that ─ because ─
I'll never again be the same as I was.
e. The way it is it never was
in that funky land we know as Oz,
where girls are girls and boys and boys,
and girls play with their dinky toys
to condemnation or applause.
361. The lavender perfume on your quilted vest
might smell even better if you were to get fully undressed.
And the musk on my well-trimmed beard,
is naturally engineered
to have you do all that I request.
362. At a business party, a hypnotist put me in a trance,
and, supposedly, had me do a crazy little dance.
But what I heard later from Jack, my best buddy,
is that she got me to do stuff with my silly putty,
to the jeers of all my colleagues in the stands.
363. What I saw on the internet?
A giraffe and an elephant lying in bed.
And the giraffe was showing her spunk
by fiddling with the elephant's trunk,
as he played connect-the-dots with the spots on her head.
364. When I was young, friends could never get me to do coke.
All that stuff did was make me gag, barf, and choke.
So me and my friend Repsi,
all we did was Pepsi,
sometimes with a nice piece of chocolate and a savory smoke.
365. I asked her if she wanted to go.
She said, "Where?" I said, “I don't know.”
She said, “Wow, that’s really wild,
because ever since I was a little child,
that's exactly where I always wanted to go ─ how'd you know?”
366. If I were dead, where would I be?
Where does one start on eternity?
At the beginning? Or more to the middle?
Or perhaps, left of forever a little?
Or at the intersection betwixt and between the pre- and the post-me?
367. In the medieval city of York
I saw a baby deliver a stork,
and the son of a wizard
chomp off the head of a lizard,
and feed it to the baby stork with a spork.
368. They always say, "Seek and ye shall find."
But why couldn't they have been so kind
as to tell you what to seek,
so you wouldn't be running around like a geek,
looking for something so ill-defined.
369. The way home seems to have been mislaid.
I think I'm way past the Fire Brigade.
And where's that street
where the park and the bicycle path meet?
I'm totally lost — and so very afraid.
370. I know that tomorrow ─ the sun
will be back again to warm everyone.
And at night, the moon
will again make the oceans croon,
and the stars will again twinkle ─ and their beauty will stun.
371. The only dogs with whom my dog will convers,
are dogs who are deeply steeped in true-to-life doggy verse.
And they'll sit there all day and recite
every doggy joy and every doggy plight
they've experienced so far in their dog-eat-dog universe.
372. A girl who said she had a dick as big as a horse,
was arrested the other day for anti-social intercourse.
But the judge let her go,
saying everybody ought to know
the 1st amendment ─ at its source ─
protects just about any kind of intercourse.
373. These days, my wife and I don't do overly much.
As you know, we're retired and such.
No, not even that anymore ─ very much.
Yep, I still think she's the nonpareil of the nonesuch.
Sure, I'll let her know ─ next time we’re in touch.
374. When I see castles in the air,
I always wonder ─ how did they get up there?
They must've been built by people of means
with lots of money for levitation machines,
unless they keep them up there with ─ just a hope and a prayer.
375. I'm a pragmatist through and through.
So when she asked me if I wanted to screw,
I said, "Show me the plan ─
what do you expect from a man ─
and more importantly, what can a man expect from you?”
376. I could probably make a pretty long list
of every time God in the Bible gets pissed.
Why should God so often feel crappy?
Isn't everyone in heaven supposed to be happy?
There’s probably something in the Bible I missed.
377. What also constitutes pictorial art
is the capturing of a moving object,
like, for example, an exploding fart,
and to give it a shape and an essence
that it didn't have at its start.
378. As she drove home from filming the scene
that mostly only by men would be seen,
she glanced at the amount on the check,
and thought to herself, "Oh, what the heck ─
it'll pay for the kids' school clothing ─ and a new, used washing machine."
379. “I'm so bitchen, I am so the best!"
I got a leg up on all the rest!”
That's how my dog thinks ─ I know he does.
He's so cocksure he's the greatest dog that ever was.
And it may just be true ─ it must be confessed.
380. The solution to your complex math problem is simple:
just give it to the kid with the perpetual pimple.
And he'll solve it with such aplomb and flair
that the teacher in amazement will stare
and then smile at you from dimple to dimple.
381. The booze just kept flowing freely all night,
even long after someone had yelled, “Turned off the damn light.”
Then I noticed from somebody’s kisses
that they couldn’t possibly have come from my Mrs.
So, I thought, "Wow! ─ something certainly doesn’t seem right."
382. It's only I who gets to see her morning face,
only I who gets to smell her morning breath.
It's only I who gets to watch her insert her sparkling white teeth,
and only I who gets to love her to death.
383. My dog will sniff any old where.
If it embarrasses, he doesn't care.
So you better pick up your clothes,
or he'll rifle through them with his wet nose,
and run off with your rosy-pink underwear.
384. I was the mouse and she the cat about to checkmate me.
I'd been a little lax in my travels around the house,
because I really hadn't run into her anywhere lately.
So anyway, I tried to struggle with the old grouch,
but she overpowered me and threw me on the couch,
and I must say, it didn't feel half bad ─ when she went ahead and ate me.
485. This is the age of who cares.
Who cares if there's no more ice for the polar bears?
And migrants who drown at sea? —
they just shoulda stayed in Tripoli.
And what financial collapse? Isn't it clear —
these days, the world may have a few more poor,
but every day we also hear — of a brand-new billionaire.
386. When out of the blue, the barnyard cock crowed thrice,
he so scared the little baby mice,
that they tried to hide behind the big, black cat.
Big mistake ─ that! ─
because the big, black cat ─ munched ‘em up in a trice.
387. Each night, so I can go right to sleep,
I ask the Lord to count my sheep.
And if I wake before I die,
I count myself a lucky guy.
Amen.
388. “No notes,” said the teacher to us,
"and there's nothing you're allowed to discuss.
This is a pop quiz,
to write an analysis
of what to do when someone with a gun approaches our bus."
389. On our walk, my dog found a severed head,
sure sign that the doll it belonged to was long since dead.
But a little further on, we found her bodice with a long, white string
that, when I pulled it, still made her sing
a garbled swan song of unquenchable regret.
390. My dog can see every ghost.
What convinces me of this the most
is that, on many a walk,
he'll suddenly stop to stalk
nobody there by a lamppost.
391. “Patience is a virtue, young man.
So, get your fingers outta my cookie can.”
"And if I don't, will my fingers get smacked?"
“No! I'll just enforce the ‘Unlawful to steal cookies’ act,
and have you put on a lifetime cookie-eating ban.”
392. I said, "Lord, please give me a sign."
He said "Sip that water. Does it taste like wine?
"Not that I can tell,
neither by taste, nor by smell."
"Damn it! It never seems to work with water from the Rhine."
393. My cock limericks / verses.
a. This county gives me the freedom to own my own cock,
even if its crowing bothers everyone else on the block.
Freedom is such a precious thing ─
it's something to which all real Americans cling.
And to those who complain about my cock, I say ─ "Go take a walk."
b. Like you promised, I was timely awakened by the crowing of your cock.
I'll never again question its utility as a remarkable alarm clock.
It's so dependably punctual,
and so unquestionably functional.
Too bad your cock ─ is so despised by everyone else on your block.
394. I did a drive-by
of your exposed inner thigh,
and my, oh my,
if I hadn't been so shy? ─
I certainly woulda stopped by ─ to say, "Hi!"
395. As I was out walking quite early with my dog,
I found a wallet with a picture of a frog.
So I went to the address,
and I'm sure you can guess —
it was by a pond in the middle of a bog.
396. Your feelings have a line right down the middle,
and to me, it's always been an unsolvable riddle.
Your left side's real nice
but your right side's like ice,
and gets ticked each time your left side and I wanna fiddle.
397. I was born in the year of the rabbit,
which has left me with a very nasty habit.
I like to nibble on stuff.
sometimes nice, sometimes rough,
and when she gets mad, I get mad, dagnabbit!
398. Veteran limericks / verses
a. Yes, I too am a veteran
And does that really make us any better than
any other Tom, Dick, or Marie,
who might've found it too sick or too scary
to fight for whatever — in Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan?
b. Some old U.S. veterans say they fought in Vietnam (Vēetˈnäm),
the country on which the U.S. dropped many a bomb.
Some old U.S. veterans say they fought in Vietnam, (Vēetˈnam)
the country where U.S. Forces were daily served fried rice and ham.
Vēetˈnäm, Vēetˈnam — the pronunciation won’t change what the U.S. did there one little damn.
399. Mini asked Mickey,
“How can you love me, if you don't even have a dicky?”
Mickey answered, "Mini, my gal,
love you dearly, I shall,
and you can go to Goofy if you ever need a quicky.”
400. It's not like the angels will always be around
each time you fall with both knees to the ground.
You're not their only concern,
so just wait your goddamn turn,
which, if you're lucky, may come during their next go-around.
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Verses 51-100 Verses 101-150 Verses 151-200
Verses 201-250 Verses 251-300 Verses 301-350
Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
Verses 501-550 Verses 551-600 Verses 601-end
Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com