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451. I asked Jack, "How can you stand to live in that box?
Whiskey on the rocks?”e
He said, "No, it's much more mundane.
I simply turn off my brain.
Then turn it back on again,
when someone else expects me to entertain.
452. When I was hard at work on poem 452,
my wife suddenly burst out, "I'm so tired of you!
You're sucking all the words right out of the air!
It's getting impossible to think in here!
How much longer before you're through — with poem 452?
453. If I were a fish
I'd have only one wish —
to elude every net and rod
so as to not to get caught
and end up on a fish lover's dish.
454. If my dog would just walk a straight line,
we'd be home from our walks no later than nine.
But there's so much to sniff and see
between point A and point Z,
that to him, getting home way past nine ─ is perfectly fine.
455. When I heard Hark, the angel, sing,
I thought "Wow, what an amazing thing!”
Hark could really bellow,
as well as any other opera fellow,
and knock off her socks and everything.
456. She said, "Oh, cry me a river!"
But that was a pleasure I wasn't about to give her.
I'd much rather burn her ass
by saying something really crass.
But I was afraid if I did, she'd punch out my liver.
457. I don't remember what I did, it's true,
the day before I fell in love with you.
I was probably attending the class
of Professor Pendergrass,
lamenting the fate of Romeo Montague.
458. On a dog walk, I saw a woman with a beard.
She fixed her eyes on me and intensely stared.
So, I decided to stare right back,
whereupon she snarled, "What'd you staring at, Jack?"
I said, "I was just wondering — do you think I look weird?"
459. Some guy complained to his shrink, "This would never have occurred
if I hadn't hooked up with that irrational bird."
His shrink said, "Okay — if that's what you think.
But what about all that other stink
you got all over you from that pot of shit in which you stirred?
460. It's astounding the amount of sharp, broken glass
that I pick up on the sides of roads that my dog and I pass.
I swear half America must be driving around drunk,
throwing empty bottles out their windows in an alcoholic funk —
another fine example of home-grown, patriotic, American class.
461. On a day I thought I was dying,
it seemed I could hear the angels crying.
They were so full of fear
that the Lord would call me up there,
and that for His love I’d be vying.
462. Come to Papa, little rhyme.
Why you hiding all the time?
Please reveal yourself to me,
and do a little more to help me be
the prime of the five-line boogie-chime.
463. When I run out of bones for my dog to chew,
I head over to my good friend, butcher Lou.
I say butcher Lou, what kind of bones you got?
He says, "I got bones from an orc or a werewolf I shot."
"Butcher Lou, my dog's not picky — either one will do."
464. My dog has a specific tree he loves to visit.
He must think the peeing there is exceedingly exquisite —
a thought probably shared by every other neighborhood dog,
because the turf around that tree is always wet as a bog,
which isn't too good for my pooch's paws, now is it?
465. It was colder than the tits of a witch.
It was colder than the shoulder of a son of a bitch.
It was so cold that my baby brother
could only suck ice milk from our mother,
and I was so cold ─ I wished to heaven I was rich.
466. He had a cobra tattooed on his arm
that he convinced her he could magically charm.
If she were to kiss him just a little bit stronger,
she would feel his snake get longer and longer.
But not to worry ─ it would do her no harm.
467. She asked, "What are you trying to accomplish in your poetry?" I said, "Oh, not that much.
I just try to drill down to the essence of a thing and give it a creative, poetic touch."
She asked, "And so far, do you think you’ve actually succeeded?"
I said, "No, not really. I feel like I’m continually being impeded
by learned critics who think they know so goddamn much."
468. On a train, the superego, the ego, and the id
saw a beautiful woman on their way to Madrid.
And at the first illicit thought, the superego said, "No!"
And the ego said, "Oh?"
And the id just did what the id always did.
469. Did you see how that cookie crumbled,
and then tumbled, and tumbled, and tumbled,
from the tabletop down to the floor,
and then tumbled and tumbled some more,
and did you hear the "Oh no!" that it frightfully mumbled?.
470. Remember the halcyon days?
They were so great in so many ways ─
much better than these dog days of summer ─
where the heat makes people act dumber and dumber.
Could you please pass the catsup and the mayonnaise?
471. Billy, Bop, and Betty
sat down to three big bowls of delectable spaghetti.
Then there was a knock on the door,
and in walked four more.
So, Billy, Bop, and Betty
got three more bowls of delectable spaghetti ready?
472. If there was ever a time for now,
I think you missed it somehow.
But I’m sure I did mention
that you should’ve been paying attention.
Or is that something you’ll now disavow.
473. I would much rather than not
take a good, hard look at everything you got.
And if it turns out to be too little,
I'll probably be noncommittal.
But certainly not if you got a lot.
474. I doubt I'll ever be a later-day saint,
at least the way I'm going, I ain't.
My craving for wine, women, and song
is just so unbelievably strong
that even at eighty, I doubt I’ll be able to exercise any restraint.
475. Hey, my old pal, Don!
Fancy meeting you here at the eschaton.
I was always so lousy at biblical exegesis.
I used to hate that shit to pieces.
So, can you please clue me in as to what’s going on?
476. After you had me take off all my clothes
and examined me from my head to my toes,
I saw you ponder, and I heard you conclude,
that I probably looked best ─ semi-nude.
No, I don't think your saying that is in any way rude.
477. To all the girls I loved before,
who couldn't wait to whisk me out the door ─
who, after a single, attempted kiss
exclaimed, "Oh please, no more of this!"
Please know, Je t'aime encore!
478. I told her I wasn't gonna pray the price,
just so Janette could treat me cold as ice.
She said, "But what if I inform her ─
to try to treat you just a little bit warmer?"
I said, "Yeah ─ that would probably be nice."
479. To be young again and have an ass like that!
And a tummy without any trace of fat.
And a face free of every wrinkle,
and eyes with such a mysterious twinkle.
To be someone again that anyone would love to look at.
480. Two tears for Melinda I shed,
who sliced open her very own head
to pull out the devil
who'd come there to revel
with the other demons she'd met.
481. Oh, let me not think
of the soiled dishes in the sink,
and let me not posit
the dirty secrets in my closet,
or recall any of what brought me to this brink.
482. Take this poem with a grain of salt.
An elephant got detained for adding injury to insult.
He'd stepped on an ant,
which the law says you can't.
And asked why he did it, he did rant:
"Because I was terrified ─ and felt totally outmanned."
483. When it came to rappin',
the kid knew how to make it happen.
The scenes of a dark apocalypse
that gushed forth from his stormy lips
had all the kids standing around clappin'.
484. I was well along in age,
the day my brain finally broke out of its cage,
when it was beguiled
into thinking like a child,
and, for the first time, contemplated something sage.
485. The art teacher asked, "What color are you gonna paint that town?"
I said, "I was thinking about painting it brown."
"So not the usually red?"
"I was tempted," I said,
"but I thought it would make my parish preacher frown."
486. When a tree fell in the forest with nobody there,
it scared the shit out of Yogi the bear.
So just imagine the sound it must've made,
if it even made a fearless bear that afraid.
So, if there's ever a question of whether there's sound
when a tree falls in a forest with no one around,
consider that question answered here─by Yogi the bear.
487. Because I'd been good for a very long while, my parents decided to buy me a crocodile.
Then all the kids on the block thought I really did rock.
Till two weeks later, another kid’s parents decided to buy him an alligator!
Shoot! And now some kid’s braggin’ ─ his parents are gonna buy him a Komodo dragon.
Oh, God! ─ Will this neighborhood competition never stop?
488. "No, no, no, no, no!"
said the bawd to the beau.
"You may be better looking,
but that don't mean I'm cooking,
or doing dishes ten days in a row.
489. The sister whom she missed the most
was the sister who went to live with the mister from the Ivory Coast.
So, when the Ivory Coast mister took that sister
back to visit the sister who exceedingly missed her,
the missed sister was kissed by the sister who missed her
all over, almost.
490. The day that Armageddon came,
I thought the entire thing was kind of lame.
Nothing but the noise and smoke of a fiery battle,
and people, left and right, bloodily slaughter like cattle ─
not much different really from any other mediocre computerized game.
491. I'm tired of the way the ball always bounces,
and of gaining pounds while only eating ounces,
tired that for every one step forward, there's two steps back,
and that my every glass is always half empty because of a perpetual crack,
and tired of my boss ─ who my name continually mispronounces.
492. I saw two dead men walking,
and I heard them silently talking.
They said, "This time our Lord
has gone way overboard,
by asking all of us ghosts to be stalking.
493. There was great joy in the chicken cage.
The old hen had been removed because of her age.
And now all of us spring chickens
could again romp around like the dickens,
without having to watch that old bag continually fly into an impetuous rage.
494. What's missing
is that there's absolutely no kissing!
Whenever I try to touch her, lip to lip,
she immediately gives me the slip,
and, like a vexed viper, starts hissing.
495. From whichever angle
you regard this pink triangle,
you can see the survival of a love
that was sent from heaven above
that so many below tried to strangle.
496. "Do you remember Tippecanoe?
Then you must remember Tyler too."
"No, I don't know Tyler from Adam,
nor do I know the madame who had him.
I just know he was a bigshot in 1842."
497. Holy bejeezus!
I didn’t take the time to get things right with Jesus!
And now I'm dead,
with nothing but the prospect of hell ahead,
when in fact, I’d wanted to go somewhere where it sometimes also freezes.
498. I, myself, and me limericks/verses
a. I, myself, and me
we are the royal we.
I makes most of the decisions,
while me or myself makes the needed revisions
to ensure we three don’t unwittingly disagree.
b. Me, Myself, and I ran into You, Yourself, and You.
We hadn't seen each other for about ─ what? ─ a week or two.
You said to Me, "Know what we should do?
The six of us should plan on dinner in about a week or two."
Me said, "Sure. But let’s make that dinner for five, okay, You?
Cuz that week, I’s got some other things I desperately needs to do."
499. When I don't let my dog explore every scent that he senses,
as we walk through town past all the houses and fences,
he pulls on his leash with such an incredible force,
that he makes me step in piles of dog doo, of course,
and then my ire with him spares no expenses.
500. I love Frida Kahlo.
That woman was in no way shallow.
She could paint to the depths
of were space time intercepts
and defeats cosmic pain ─ blow-by-blow.
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Verses 51-100 Verses 101-150 Verses 151-200
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Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
Verses 501-550 Verses 551-600 Verses 601-616
Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com