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501. The two slip out of bed and pull on their pants.
They've just made wet and sloppy romance.
And now, will one of them say,
"Give me your number, and I'll call you, okay?"
Or is this not one of those boilerplate, one-night stands?
502. "Is there anything more rotten
then to die and to be totally forgotten?"
"Yeah, how about being remembered
for the bodies one might have dismembered ─
or for fame or fortune ─ totally ill-gotten?"
503. When God showed Moses His back,
did Moses actually see His crack?
Oh, there's so much to ponder
about what actually happened as the Israelites did wander
by the millions through the wilderness of the Canaan outback.
504. I'll take a little of this orange, this blue, and this green,
this red, this cyan, and this aquamarine,
and I'll try to paint just the light
that the moon is spreading tonight
over this eerie waterfall scene.
505. So much of online poetry is shit,
and I’ve made a big contribution to it.
Here's another poem ─ one just for you.
It’s a poem about a shoe.
Try it on ─ because who knows? ─ It might just fit.
506. At our middle school talent show, when the kid before me did flop,
I was hoping that now I'd come out on top.
But then this girl who came after
got the biggest laughter
by sneezing out red soda pop.
507. Uppy and Muppy were guppies
that I got cuz my mom wouldn't let me get puppies.
Then one morning, when they were floating belly up,
I said to my mom, “See, you should've let me get a pup.”
She said, “Oh, shut up. Or I’m gonna make you gulp those dead guppies up.”
508. There was great joy in the nest of Willy and Nilly.
They were getting ready to celebrate themselves silly,
as from underneath both their legs
came the sound of the cracking of eggs,
and out popped the heads of babies Billy, Gilly, and Jilly.
509. Yes, I actually did meet your mom
when we were both working for Toilets.com.
I know it doesn’t sound like a glamourous place.
But she had such a pretty face.
And she did everything she did with such great aplomb.
510. It's unanimous.
Everyone in town thinks I'm pusillanimous.
Just cuz I was momentarily frightened by that clown
who pulled her too-large clown pants down
and began shooting at everyone in the crowd with her animus.
511. Paddy was a laddy newly betrothed to Addie.
They had a baby, Maddie, who was something of a fatty.
Paddy said to Addie,
"That milk you’re feeding Maddie?
You think we could exchange it for a non-fat chicken patty?"
512. By the third drink, he didn't look half bad.
She could even look past the chipped teeth that he had.
And by now, she was more sympathetic to his life story ─
perhaps she had been too quick to judge it all as vainglory.
But why couldn't he think to say something that ─
would make her feel a little less sad?
513. That pretty woman playing lead guitar
is the best of the band in this eatery bar.
And by the way she fingers an F minor,
it appears she's flipping off every drunk diner
who's visually undressing her from afar.
514. In the Bible, when a gang of boys jeered at a prophet who was bald,
the prophet got so pissed, it made his very blood scald.
And so he called down a curse on the boys in his prayers,
and the Lord, upon hearing, sent forth two ferocious she bears,
and forty-two of the boys were mauled. Anyone appalled?
515. During a math quiz, the very best reason to cry
is when you forget the square root of pie.
But all you need to do to be happy again,
is to calculate the square root of when ─
just be sure you get it right on the very first try!
516. If you were a mole in a hole
would the darkness take its toll?
Or would everything still be all right
because you're so well acquainted with the night,
and accustomed to the blackness in your soul?
517. One scary thing about living in Crystal Pointe
is that no witch ever actually left there when told to aroint!
So, my advice is ─ if you’re afraid of witches
and wanna avoid 'em for all the world's riches ─
don’t move to Crystal Pointe ─ cuz the place is full of them pointy-chinned bitches.
518. If I wrote you a billet-doux
would you write me one too?
And when exchanged, we could test
who people thought expressed their love the best.
You hope it's me ─ I hope it is you.
519. Did you hear that love lost?
It tried to win at all cost.
But sadly, it went down to defeat
when the other side decided to cheat
by leaving all of its i’s undotted and all of its t’s uncrossed.
520. Nothing makes me go into a greater fit
than, when walking my dog, I step in another dog's shit.
I wish a law could be created
so that when jerks who don't pick up their dog’s shit are located
you can rub their fucking noses in it!
521. I can’t believe this guy!
He just tried to pick the apple of my eye!
I said, "Are you serious?
You think she would want you? That's hilarious!”
Two weeks later, guess who I saw walking by.
522. Yes, I'm unique!
I'm not like any other geek.
I'm a different kind of crazy,
I’m not just some plain-Jane common daisy.
I exude my own mystique, so to speak.
523. When the angels get bored in heaven,
they all make a booze run to 7-11.
Then they schedule a private room
in which to consume
their rums and coke ─ and their bourbons and seven.
524. Have you ever heard of Mary Magdalene?
She was just the sweetest little thing.
She was really good pals with Jesus ─
supplied his clan with bread, wine, and cheeses.
And some think they might’ve even had a fling.
525. The problem with biblical eisegesis
is that you tear Bible verses to pieces
in an effort to make of the Bible and its glory
a subtlety different story
with the hope that people's faith in your god increases.
526. Here's a poem that will set you to thinking.
Half the people arrested swore they weren’t' drinking.
If the total arrested is divided
by a number we decided,
how many of ‘em are guilty of unequivocal hoodwinking?
527. She drunkenly slurred, "My boobs taste sweeter than a plum."
I said, "Drunk or not, that really sounds dumb.
That's like me saying, 'My peter
tastes better than licking whipped cream off an eggbeater.'
Would you mind pouring me a bit more of that rum?"
528. Of my poem, she said it was "cute,"
probably because she totally misunderstood.
She couldn't fathom the very deep meaning
with which my short, pithy, little poem was teeming,
from the very first syllable to the very last foot.
529. Someone hung a "For Sale" sign on heaven's door.
God isn't selling ─ just charging a little more.
So when the rich arrive and pull out their cash,
they’re promptly let in to join the heavenly bash.
But the cashless poor? ─ they’re quickly shown the door.
530. As for her hair, can you make it red?
And her eyes, blue? ─ no make them brown instead.
And the rest of her face ─
can you make it be like that of an angel's grace?
and her body ─ like that of a young, Irish hothead!
531. Some scholars say my oeuvre of work
shows the hand of an incompetent jerk,
because it has no hint of a poetical system.
Little do they know that I write only for the average Joe,
who appreciates easy-to-understand poems
that are filled with everyday folk wisdom.
532. I once heard a little girl in Cuba
play heavenly sounds on a big-ass tuba.
She would play that thing
and make the birdies sing
from old Havana all the way to Aruba.
533. I made my ex pay dearly for breaking my heart.
I took all her phones, both land line and smart;
and her brand-new computer,
and her mobility scooter,
so she can neither face-time nor visit her new love in Mart.
534. In a painting by a descendant of Renoir's,
you're depicted as the most celestial of stars.
And every night, a little past eleven,
I see you shining brightly in heaven,
as you point the way to my favorite bars.
535. In a dream, I was killing two birds with one stone.
And it kinda looked like I wasn't alone.
As I turned and looked all around,
I saw a red mess of dead birds on the ground,
and I felt a bitter chill, right down to the bone.
536. On a Romantic Poets tour, overlooking the ruins of Tintern Abbey,
I felt a sudden urge to grab the ass of my dearest friend, Gabby.
But as the professor continued reading Wordsworth's poem in a sonorous voice,
I reckoned mixing high art with my profane thoughts woulda been a very poor choice.
And so, I fought off my overwhelming urge to get grabby with Gabby,
there overlooking the ruins of Tintern Abbey.
537. When that FBI guy signaled for me to stop,
I thought to myself, "Oh Top!
Probably another Special Op,
ordered by the brass on the top
who really never know when to stop!"
538. My heart limericks / verses
a. The woman who once lit my heart on fire
made my future love life pretty damn dire.
These days, when my sooty heart pumps,
you hear only a series of distinct clumpity-clumps,
which isn't a great sound to attract the kind of women I desire.
b. Lately, the door to my heart's gotten so creaky
that a new love, who might wanna enter, could find it a little bit freaky.
So, I've made an appointment with Doctor Doyle
to see if he can apply a little door-hinge oil
and also try to find out why my bleeding heart’s gotten so damn leaky.
c. Be still, my heart, be still.*
Didn't I just give you a calm-down pill?
So quit your racing and your thumping,
your crazy fluttering and your creepy pumping.
What's gonna be next? A complete and total standstill?
* Play on the title of a poem by A. E. Housman
539. Gender limericks / verses
a. Some people aren't too sure about transgenders in women's sports.
What if their thingy falls out of their shorts?
And if they get an erection,
how will they prevent its detection?
These kinds of stupid questions get them all out of sorts.
b. Some Christians aren't very tender
with teens who happen to question their gender.
They say, "Read the Bible and behave.
Your gender illusions are just the devil’s delusions.
So just make do with the parts that God gave.”
c. Transitioning from a man to a woman or from a woman to a man ─
some swear by the Bible that nobody can.
But what am I to the Bible,
or what’s the Bible to me?
I'll be the gender ─ goddamn it ─ that my mind and body tell me to be.
540. After making love to Beth,
I was completely out of breath.
What she did to my tool
was too cool to be cruel,
and might’ve caused a weaker man's death.
541. In the end, I can't think of anything worse,
than to be carried to my final resting place in a shiny, black hearse.
That's why I've always stated,
that I want to be cremated,
and continue making my rounds in repose of your purse.
542. He said he was pissed having to pay 90% tax on earnings of a billion,
because he'd be left with only a puny one-hundred million.
And what's for sure,
he'd be listed again among the poor,
and not among those whose wealth was quickly adding up to a trillion.
543. I came, I saw, I fainted.*
Have you ever been with anyone like me acquainted?
You can know us by the way we disappear
every time the time for a battle draws near.
To find us, don't look among the knighted or the sainted.
* Play on Julius Ceasar’s “I came, I saw, I conquered.”
544. This morning, my dog again caused an intense drama.
At the vet's, he was inspired to bark at this big-ass llama.
So, the beast decided to spit,
and of course, I was the target of it,
and got that slime all over a new shirt I just got from my momma.
545. As I was climbing the ladder of success,
I was right behind this girl named Tess.
And as you can guess,
I could stare right up her dress ─
which is what I did, of course ─ I readily confess.
546. Here's another color I want you to hear.
Can you sense the subtle difference there?
The nuance of the one
is where the second one's begun
to change from a sad melody ─ into a somewhat happy tear.
547. I answer my phone
for one caller alone,
and you ─ dear caller ─ ain't she.
At the beep, have your say,
and if I like it, you may
get a timely call back from me.
548. "This is art, for art's sake!
Or are you gonna tell me that this is totally fake?
And if yes, based on what?
Tell me what this art hasn't got.
Or point out one mistake!"
"Piece of cake."
549. From across the vast expanse of time and space,
the speed of light and I decided to have a little race ─
from the earth to around the moon and back.
And it's safe to say, he beat me by an eon, Jack!
But I gave it a good go, so where is the disgrace?
550. On doomsday, as I was watching the end arrive,
an angel walked up and said, "Hey, give me a high five."
I said, "Wow, this isn't the way I had expected the world to end."
The angel said, "That's pretty common with you Bible students, friend.
You're expecting to get the boogie, when all you're gonna get's the jive."
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Verses 51-100 Verses 101-150 Verses 151-200
Verses 201-250 Verses 251-300 Verses 301-350
Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
Verses 501-550 Verses 551-600 Verses 601-end
Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com