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151. You’re way too young to be a neanderthal.
And for a homo erectus, you’re just a little too tall.
So, judging from the size of your head,
I think it can probably safely be said ─
you’re the smartest monkey of ‘em all.
152. As I’m walking these Spanaway streets,
reciting poems by that English poet, John Keats,
my dog has no complaint
and acts like an absolute saint,
long as I keep feeding him his bacon-&-egg doggy treats.
153. The tattoos all over the body of that young lady —
what will they look like when she’s seventy or eighty?
I’m afraid the ass of that sweet young lass
smelling flowers above her reclining lover in the grass
will slowly start squatting down on his bearded face, alas.
154. The Lord said to <governor of a state, i.e., Ron DeSantis>, “Today, I’m in great haste.
I’m gonna lay the state of <state name, i.e., Florida> to waste.
From church steeple to church steeple,
in the state of <state name, i.e., Florida>, I can’t find even ten righteous people.
So, of my anger, I’m gonna give all <residents of state, i.e., Floridians> a taste.
155. You know what is a fact?
A fact is like a nut to be cracked.
And then you can extract all the meaning,
whether it’s left or right leaning,
and use it to keep your worldview intact.
156. The alpha and omega of all this ado
was a petite, little kitten named Miss Lucy LaRue.
Frenetically chasing a squeaky little mouse,
she bowled over every knickknack and vase in the house.
And just as the mouse was cornered, and thought its life was through,
a large lava lamp came crashing down ─ splitting the tarantula aquarium in two.
157. My dog can act awfully bizarre,
like a clown with an exploding cigar.
Of a sudden, he can dart all around,
flip on his back, roll on the ground,
and then look at you with a face that says, “Hardy-har-har.”
158. The counters of the Lord limericks / verses
a. Just today, the counters of the Lord recorded 3.6 billion masturbations,
half a billion extra-marital affairs, and 2.3 billion pre-marital fornications.
Documenting world-wide illicit sex had them so busy
that the counters of the Lord were literally thrown into a tizzy,
and forgot to notate more than half of 1.4 billion men-on-men ejaculations.
b. Today, the counters of the Lord were at it again,
with one group keeping tabs on women, and the other on men.
And today, more women were seen engaging in a sexual transgressions
than men, from any walks of life or from any professions,
leaving the counters of the Lord scratching their heads every now and then.
159. If I lived in your shoe,
I’d know exactly what to do.
I’d kiss your sweet toes,
bedeck them with pretty, pinks bows,
and paint three of them green, and two of them blue.
160. My dog is such a geek.
He can bark in both Arabic and Greek.
He’s expert in canine mathematics,
can discuss dog-fight aerodynamics,
and is fluent in bow-wow doublespeak.
161. See here? ─ you do see a little rot.
But over there? ─ definitely not.
So, whoever said you were totally rotten
doubtlessly, it wrong has gotten ─
because totally rotten? ─ you’re certainly not.
162. If I hadn’t turned left at that street,
then right at that cul-de-sac after a few hundred feet,
my dog and I wouldn’t’ve been there
when that surly she-bear
was searching for something edible to eat.
163. Angel limericks / verses
a. Between pink, wispy clouds in a low, gray-blue sky,
I had a vision of an angel passionately waving “Hi!”
And at the moment of seeing
that ethereal being,
I regained real hope that better days were nearby.
b. I saw a beautiful angel do a triple pirouette
on a silvery pin with a tiny little head.
And as I exclaimed, being totally impressed,
“Little Angel, you’re the absolute best,”
she replied, “No biggy. For an angel ─ anything is as easily done ─ as it is said.
164. I’m the least in heaven, but I’m greater than that baptizer, John.
At least that’s what Jesus said, and He knows what’s going on.
Even in my lowly spot in heaven, I’m enjoying the afterlife,
even though I’m here alone without the kids and without the wife.
But hey ─ that’s the afterlife.
165. You didn’t stop at the stop,
you didn’t yield at the yield.
And that’s how I ended up with my face
in this cow pie in this field.
166. Perchance, have you seen Mr. LaDoux?
He’s easy to recognize with his hair of straw blue,
and his nose a red ball,
and dressed in a brown overall,
perhaps soiled with a bird dropping or two.
167. These days, she often forgets
the many sorrows and the many regrets
in which I played an outsized part
by more than once breaking her precious heart.
As the party band plays while the sun sets,
I ask her, “Do you wanna dance?"
She smiles and whispers, "Sure ─ let's."
168. My dog knows what he should and what he shouldn’t.
My dog knows what he can and what he can’t.
But that doesn’t mean he’ll always remember ─
no ─ remember it always? ─ he certainly shan’t.
169. Here’s a titillating fact —
the butts of Martians aren’t cracked.
They excrete what they eat and drink through their noses
by using these two, tiny little green hoses
that hook up to their alimentary tract.
170. I remember the day I accidentally slayed that dragon.
A rock I’d catapulted went up its throat, and the dragon started gaggin’.
And as I was shaking in terror and dread,
of a sudden, the poor beast dropped down in front of me — dead.
And I was so sad, as they dragged that dragon — away with a rusty, old Ford station wagon.
171. My wife’s a really good egg.
When it’s sore, she’ll always massage my leg.
And when I implore,
she’ll even do a little bit more
to make life a little merrier here in dark, snowy Kandersteg.
172. As my life is coming to a close,
what can I do but ─ pick my nose,
digging deep inside
to where the lethal boogies hide
and flick them at my foes.
173. When you return from your year in Damascus,
and you find my note, you'll know right away what my ask is.
Please hurry on over to me,
because I’m just dying to see,
if you're still adept at making love — or if you're all out of practice.
174. My dog's not so good in an off-leash park.
He always tries to hump the young lassies and won't stop when they bark.
And then the owners, all the while,
glare at me, as if I've unleased some degenerate pedophile.
So I have to go corral him and say to the little Romeo guy,
"No, no, no, no, no! You don’t get to kiss each one of 'em good-bye!"
175. I sometimes wonder what it was like
for young Hans to stick his finger in that dike.
Wasn't he shaken by the screeching
and the dike getting closer and closer to breaching,
threatening to wipe him away forever
with his lunch pail and his bike?
176. I heard one yellow bird call to another,
"Did you hear what happened to Tweety's little brother?
He sat down on a hot wire,
and caught his tail on fire,
and now he can't fly anywhere without the help of his mother."
177. "Infinity is a very long time,"
I said to my daughter, as she poured me another vodka and lime.
"But if I promise to love you forever,
and help you and mom around the house with whatever,
can you help me pay for my Amazon Prime?"
178. Remember how I used to root
to have you strip down to your birthday suit?
I'd still do it today,
but I know just what you'd say:
"Isn’t it time to put that silver-haired thought on mute?"
179. When the walls fell down around Jericho,
where were all the terrified Jerichoans to go?
To the trumpets’ celestial sound,
the Israelites made Jericho a killing ground,
as heaven looked on and cheered every bloody deathblow!
180. Oh, you ─ sitting there in your silvery gray Celica,
looking more angelic than all the angels in St Peter's Basilica.
Let's go do something wild ─
like ─ let's gomake a childbe beguiled.
She drove away and slyly smiled.
181. I start every day
in the exact same way.
I ask her if it's okay.
And if she says, "Yay,"
I start hugging and kissing her — all the way.
182. She was smarter than anyone else, that's for sure.
She wasn't a college professor, but she knew so much more.
She knew every in of every out,
and what Mona Lisa's smile was all about,
and how to answer every little kid's repeated why and wherefore.
183. If you don't manipulate your manhood enough,
you're at an increased risk of prostrate cancer and stuff.
So, no matter what the Bible may say,
make sure your manhood gets plenty of play,
even if sometimes you have to do it ─ right off the cuff.
184. I was once taught by a PE teacher from Lille,
an ill-humored lady who knew exactly how to make me feel
like the sweaty, old rag
she stuffed in her scuffed-up gym bag
on top her smelly sneakers and her butt plug of steel.
185. Some things I just don't want to think about,
like that closet and the coming out.
Cuz I'm not even gay ─
at least not all the way,
and even if ─ it might still wash out.
186. Did you see the murder of crows? ─
dozens of them lying in silent repose.
They don't appear to be shot.
So, it must've been poison or ─ whatnot.
Anyway ─ a lot of food for thought.
187. When I first told you I loved you that summer’s day,
it coulda gone either way.
You coulda said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same,"
and I coulda slunk back into the "just-friends" state from which I just came.
But thankfully you said, "Oh, my God, really? Oh, yeah!"
188. The Bible is very clear ─
in heaven, no one's required to wear any clothes or underwear.
So, all those prudes who have something against seeing people in the buff,
in heaven, their lives are going to be pretty darn tough.
There won’t be a single minute they’ll feel comfortable there.
189. How do you locate your loved ones once you get to the hereafter?
Does an angel come help you find them among the billions of happy souls engaged in pleasure and loud laughter?
I'm a little anxious about how to find them when I arrive.
It could be more complicated than trying to find them when they were still alive.
And depending on where in heaven they are, it may be a 20- or a 30-year drive.
190. Most of our wedded life, my wife and I have slept alone.
That’s because each of us snores like a contrabass saxophone.
And due to that nocturnal, cacophonous duet,
sleeping together has been impossible, much to our regret.
But once a week, we do put on our perfume and our cologne,
then crawl into one bed for a quick, hands-on session of two-part hambone.
191. If you get to fiddle with my middle,
then I get to fiddle with your end.
And if you can't agree to that from the very beginning,
well, then you, my dear, cannot be my bosom friend.
192. I got to talking to an Egyptian woman at a Cairo bazaar,
who teased she’d never been "really, realy bad!" ─ at least not thus far.
I said, "But by us in the West,
we like women the best
who do say, 'Yes' to an occasional cigar.”
“Yes.”
193. When I saw her eyes were burnt sienna
and her lips were purple plaid,
when she said she wouldn't be my kid’s teacher,
boy, was I ever sad."
194. I’m sure I have everything right with God.
He’s always known that I'm a slightly nutty clod.
So, when He'll say, "It's time. Come on up,"
no devil's protest is gonna get Him to stop,
just cuz I was a little bit defective, a little bit flawed.
195. Welcome friends
to the time your life ends.
I do appreciate
that none of you is late.
So, you're all still eligible for each of the after-life dividends.
196. If you find your happiness slipping away
trying to survive another unendurable day,
try screaming at the gods
for being the frauds
who promised you everything would be okay.
197. I’m the kind who’d never hurt a flea.
I’m the kind who’d never hurt a flea ─
unless, of course, the flea hurt me.
And then I’d gather up all my wit
and catch and kill the fucking, little shit ─
and never even feel sorry for it.
198. When the priest proclaimed I was a sinner,
I said, “Yeah, but at least I’m only a beginner!”
Which made some people laugh,
but not the other half,
who almost choked on their bread-and-wine dinner.
199. When the teacher said, "Come to my desk when I call your name,"
she seemed confused and very annoyed when I stood up and came.
She said, "I didn't mean you!"
I said, "But my name is Charu."
She said, "But for that, you only have your parents to blame."
200. People who can't afford the basics that they need
are among the most hopeless people in the world, indeed.
So please! Give them a hand...
(Sound of people clapping)
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Verses 351-400 Verses 401-450 Verses 451-500
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Comments, suggestions, or questions? Please email Rio Jansen at rio_jansen@hotmail.com